How to become a more loving human being

In a society obsessed with love, finding love is top of mind for most people. Most people think they can attain this by finding the right person – Mr. Right or Ms. Right.


The game shows and reality programming of everyday life are all built around these questions: How do I find true love? How do I know that the love I have is the true love of my life? How do I know this is the right person (that I should offer my love)? These seem to be the big questions in people’s minds.


Popular culture has gotten obese obsessed on love. Hollywood, one of the largest global movie producing centers – movies which are nothing but illusion – is all about finding true love. The glossy pages of the newspaper talk about break-ups and hook-ups and every other unimaginable form of syrupy, gossipy love. And then there are novels about love and loss of love. But the most interesting ones are the books about relationships. They usually become best-sellers and talk endlessly about how to “get” the love you need, how to “keep” the love you have, and go on and on about this and that of love.


Sam Keene is right when he says: “In our society, we’ve become myopic and obsessive with one particular kind of love: dyadic love, which takes the form of romance, sex and marriage. As a result, we end up asking the wrong question.


By dyadic love, I believe Mr. Keene means that we are focused on the interaction between two individuals; thus our search for love is external. We keep looking outside. What this kind of incessant search for “dyadic” love does to us is make us into rats going around on a wheel – intent on getting love at any cost.


Our world is in some sort of “LOVE-Race” – an anxiety producing race of constant pressure to seek out love with no relaxation. People are under pressure to find true love and once the love is gotten, they have to worry about keeping the love alive…and most people kill themselves doing it.


Is this notion of love actually killing the human race?  


Mr. Keene says instead of asking how do I find love – the right question to ask is: “How do I become a more loving human being?” He says that when you ask that question it changes the way you think about pursuing love.


Therefore, if we choose not to be rats, choose to leap off that wheel and shift our focus from getting and keeping love to becoming more loving, I feel that the attraction to another and to life itself will simply fall into place. Love will seek us out.


When I talk to various individuals I meet at work or play, during my travels or at a coffee shop most of them tell me that in this journey called life all they seek is peace. I usually probe further to find out what they mean by peace. Most individuals tell me that this peace they talk of comes from an understanding of their own self and a reconciliation with that self – what they seek is a deeper connection to oneself (to their own self) and some say they also seek a connect to the larger world outside – to other people they may have never met, the earth, to the stars and the sky.



Most of the times after such meaningful conversations I realize that we are all on the same journey, seeking the same balance, and seeking the same connection; yet, we fail to see that we are all connected to one another because we fail to connect to our own selves.


Just like Mr. Keene says – we fail to ask the right question.


A few years ago I was walking along the ocean on the eastern shores of the North American continent and this meditation just came to me from the wind and the sea and the sands. This has helped guide me through my life and through its many trials and tribulations:

I am surrounded by love,

I am supported with love,

Love flows through me,

I am love

And all is well.

All is well.

If all is well, then I just need to let go, exhale fully, trust, allow more love to flow through, then what else could I possibly need?


So why do we hold on to the same wrong questions?


Typically as humans, we seem to respond to pain. Pain is often our teacher. Pain induces change. And everyone has a different tolerance for levels of pain. Some will shift at the hint of a little pain, where others need to hit the bottom of the barrel of gut-wrenching anguish.  One is not better than the other; it simply happens to be their own personal journey based on their choices and subsequent consequences.


All said and done we need to reach a point where the pain of remaining where we currently find ourselves in our life outweighs the fear of venturing into the unknown. It takes courage to choose to take that leap (of faith) inward and look at what is obstructing the ability to being more loving, more open, more vulnerable. It is easy to look outward and leap outward into dyadic love even if it be the arms of the wrong-est person. It is simply less painful to keep asking the wrong question?


There are too many obstacles to asking the right question…


Many times these obstacles are some kind of walls, erected to protect one’s self but in the end it only separates and alienates our self.


Rod MacIver says, “We build our own walls around ourselves, our own prisons, out of preconceptions we have about life and about other people.  The walls are designed to protect us, but they (also) limit us.”


Our task in life then (if we want to ask the right question) is to gently, compassionately, dismantle these walls and preconceptions. Many have been with us since childhood.  The question to ask oneself is: “Do these patterns and habits still support my current lifestyle and views of my-self and the world? Are they in my highest good to maintain? Do they make me happy? Peaceful? Joyful? Do they separate me from others or connect me?


If we look deeply underneath these walls, we most likely will discover that they are built on the foundations of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of being hurt, fear of …. Essentially fear of everything and fear of pain.


One way to dismantle the fear is to be with it, sit with it, delve into it, and find its genesis.

The more we understand our fears, the less power they have over us and the more we can accept and love our selves. And thus become a more loving human being.


It is helpful to remind ourselves that perhaps our only purpose on this earth is to love. That’s it. It’s not to make money or make a name. It is simply to love – once again – not to find love but to BE love.


The journey is to simply realize that we are love, we are divine, and there are no walls within – there is no separation. This is what we call self-realization. This is what I find most people looking for – when I talk to them – whether at work, at play, during my travels or in a coffee shop.


And by the way, one can never love too much. There is no well which is going to run dry from giving too much or feeling too much. Divine love courses through us in infinite waves of energy. There was no beginning, there will be no end.


And then I hear myself ask: how can I love myself? I am not worth loving because I am not divine. How can I be divine?  I have so many defects.


Once again I refer to Rod MacIver who says, “The beauty of people is in their flaws as much as in their integrity and courage.  It is this – our humanness, the learning of big lessons over and over again – that gives our journey its sacredness.


Our destination is peace and balance, which I feel is one in the same as love. For what is love but a state of balance, peace and harmony?


How does one want to feel in love? As if the person has finally found himself and the place where (s)he wants to be. Is that not how true love is sold in movies and books? That perfect place where you are at peace with yourself and the world. The place where your so-called partner accepts you as you are (with all your defects and divinities) – A place of non-separation in mind, body and spirit.



Again, I am speaking of the love one discovers deep inside the spirit for oneself. But how similar it is to what is peddled as “dyadic” love in romantic movies and self-help books.  Not similar, so perhaps another sentence is needed here? Or end this sentence with a  “?”

Once established and grounded, this love can then radiate outward to others, infecting them with the same quest to go inside to find their own resonance.


But why do this? Why endure the most likely painful introspection to maybe reach a modicum of peace? For it is just for ourselves, right? Most people, even the ones we would label as always working in their own self-interest would question this. Even this self-interested human would ask: Why go through all this – just for my-self?


The self-interested “self” would go through the trials and tribulations of Ulysses to make some more money but would probably stop himself short to find true love within.


Dr. David Hawkins says that when one goes through all this questioning and this inward journey one does not remain a solitary self-interested being. The self-loving being actually gets connected to other humans around himself or herself. Asking the right question removes the separation we feel from others. It connects us.

In his book – Power vs Force - “Dr. Hawkins says: “”In this interconnected universe, every improvement we make in our private world improves the world at large for everyone. We all float on the collective level of consciousness of mankind, so that any increment we add comes back to us. We all add to our common buoyancy by our efforts to benefit life. It is a scientific fact that what is good for you is good for me.”


And Dr. Hawkins has tabulated studies of the effects of meditation and peacefulness on self and others in the book “The Eye of the I“.


The results are startling:


  • One individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of optimism and a willingness to be non-judgmental of others will counterbalance the negativity of 90,000 individuals…
  • One individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of pure love and reverence for all of life will counterbalance the negativity of 750,000 individuals …
  • One individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of illumination, bliss and infinite peace will counterbalance the negativity of 10 million individuals …
  • One individual who lives and vibrates to the energy of grace, pure spirit beyond the body, in a world of complete oneness, will counterbalance the negativity of 70 million individuals ….


We have all felt this or experienced this at one time or another in our lives. We have been around such human beings who just seem to counter-balance all our negativity; people who are at peace, who are calm, and full of love.


If we have experienced it, then it exists and if it exists then we can attain it.


Maybe it’s time to ask the right question: How do I become a more loving human being?


© Brooke Becker, 2013


Refer to:

- Sam Keene, from The Sun Magazine, requoted in The Heron Dance Book of Love and Gratitude, by Rod MacIver and Ann O’Shaughnessy.

- Rod MacIver, Heron Dance Organization, “A Pause for Beauty Publication”.

- Dr. David Hawkins. Power vs. Force.

- Dr. David Hawkins. “The Eye of the I”




Beach by Rajesh Vyas

Zanzibar-Ocean by Nuruddin Lakhani




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